My 3 Monsters: I've Sprung a Leak . . . IN MY EYE!

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12.15.2009

I've Sprung a Leak . . . IN MY EYE!

Do you ever have those moments of complete and utter humiliation?  Those moments when you know what you're doing is wrong on so many levels but you are powerless to stop it?  Those moments when your child's endocrinologist asks you if you have any questions and you melt into a pool of tears right there in the exam room?  For no apparent reason?  No?  Just me?  Alright then. 

I was a mess yesterday.  And here's the thing of it -- I don't know why.  I can't explain the involuntary waterworks at the doctor's office.  Or why I seem to have sprung a leak in my tear ducts right now as I type this post.  Sure, Riley's a1C (a quarterly blood test  that shows an average of how well his blood sugar is being controlled) was up to 10.1, the highest it's ever been.  Which is bad.  Really bad. But the doctor was kind.  I think in that moment, when the doctor asked me if I had any questions, it hit me for the first time that this isn't going to go away and I'm a mom, not a diabetes care nurse for heaven's sake.  I didn't ask for this and I don't want to be responsible for my child's future health in this way and yes, for the love of all that is good and holy, I have questions.  I just don't know the right ones to ask . . . or if I can even verbalize all the question marks that constantly float in my head.  And yeah, it has, in fact, taken three and a half years for that all to sink in. 

Our doctor is so fantastic.  He just calmly told me that he has every expectation that Ri will grow up as healthily and normally as my other children.  He also counseled me that worry is a useless emotion.  It doesn't solve any problems or make anything better for any of us, and that instead of worrying I should try to be pro-active.  Worry is passive, but action is power.  It's good advice for so many areas of my life right now.  And it makes me think that maybe I'm not the first mom who has lost it in his office like that.

2 comments:

  1. We all have picture perfect ideas of what our children's lives will be like. Healthy, Happy, Well-rounded individuals. When something blips - it throws us.
    Heavenly Father knows that you are capable of this challenge. He has faith in you and has entrusted you with one of his special little ones. I am not going to say diabetes is no big deal, because it is. But I will say that I know you can do this. You are one of the most amazing moms I know - and you have a great support system. USE US! If even just for a shoulder to cry on.
    And BTW: I've cried in Parent/Teacher Conferences before talking about my child's learning disabilities which pale in comparison. But hey, I'm a good mom and good moms sometimes cry! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I cry at parent teacher conferences too. I just talked to Cynth about the difficulties of parenthood. I am calling you next!

    ReplyDelete

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