My 3 Monsters: What a Difference a Half a Century Makes!

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What a Difference a Half a Century Makes!

I was out thrifting this weekend, finding nothing good, when I came across this intriguing book.
Now, I have a fondness for old books with interesting covers and clever titles.  Even so, how could I pass up the opportunity to learn "All About Men" for a mere $1.50?  Brent was surprised at how many pages it contained, for how much space to you really need to explain men's enthusiasm for sports, sex, and sandwiches?  Ha ha, funny man.  I'm on to you now and you better be afraid.  This book was written in 1958 and it's wealth of knowledge was nothing short of shocking.  I assumed that the target audience would be women, but after flipping through a few pages I quickly realized it was directed toward men themselves.  Because women are simpletons who trap men into marriages they had no intention of making and should really just be in the kitchen cooking pot roast and doing the dishes, not reading books written by intelligent doctors.  Hmmmmm.  I'll share one of my favorite passages from the chapter titled Fictitious Domination of the Male (with my own emphasis on my favorite parts):
At parties women admire the successful career woman's clothes and tell her how wonderful it must be to be independent.  Then they leave her for the company of some housewife and swap methods of dominating males in a womanly way. . . .
It may be a good thing if she has to work after marriage, but be sure it is a womanly occupation and that she doesn't bring home more money than you do.  If she works you should assume some of the housekeeping chores, but there are certain things that you must not do.
Carry out the garbage, but don't cook or wash dishes unless she is sick.  You may dry the dishes, because in this case you are merely helping.  Let her take the lead in such chores. Clean up the mess you made by dropping ashes and paper on the living room rug, but don't scrub the kitchen floors or make the beds or you will lose face.  She will try to saddle her chores on you, and you may be so much in love you can deny her nothing.  If so, be so awkward and sloppy that she will grab the dish towel in disgust and chase you out of the kitchen. If extreme measures are in order, drop a favorite dish on the floor and break it.  If she asks you to hang wallpaper, louse up the job and she will never ask you again. 
[I KNEW IT!!!  Men, we all KNEW that's what you were doing.  Now we have proof!]
If she insists that you wash the kitchen floor, use a mop and be as slop-happy as you can.  And if she asks you to cook meals, make a mess, and I do mean mess.  If you fry eggs without burning them in the pan, you'll get to fry eggs often.  If you have no luck in burning them to a tasteless crisp, you might try sprinkling them with pipe ashes.  But whatever you do, don't prove yourself a better cook than your wife.  If you do, you'll not only hurt her pride but will be kept at it while she plays golf with the girls, who will marvel at her cleverness in making a sucker out of you. . . .
Buy her new clothes, if you wish, but be warned that she will return them the next day and will enjoy bragging to her girlfriends about your masculine ineptitude.  Your ineptitude may be one of the few things about you that she finds enjoyable.  You may buy her jewelry, but not a hat.  You can tell her how to vote, but not how to wear her hair. . . . You may hint that you like pot roast for dinner, but don't raise a fuss if you get hamburger instead.  You may improve her cooking technique by mentioning how much you enjoyed another woman's pot roast, but just be sure it is one of her girl friends and potential rivals. . . .
Have separate bank accounts, but insist that she pay as she goes.  To her, "charging it" is just like getting it for nothing, but it may mean tears on the first of the month when she finds that she has to return the merchandise.  Hard cash is better than a checkbook.  She won't part with cash unless she really needs something or runs into a gambling machine. If you ever pass through Nevada, change a five dollar bill into nickels.  At the first stop she will get all the thrills out of the nickel one-arm bandits that would come from the dollar machines, and she can play twenty times as long.  It's the pull of the lever that fascinates her rather than the winnings. . . . 
Never get sore and cuss her out.  She wants to be treated like a dear little girl who doesn't know any better.  Scold her, but scold her tenderly.
Wow.  Just . . . wow.  This book was written by a doctor.  Wow.  How about this passage from another chapter:
Divorce may be the only remedy for some situations, but as I have said, when there are children parents should be made to remain together in wedlock as long as the children require the security of a home.  The one who breaks the contract should be thrown into jail and left there a while to meditate on their sins.
I'm not such a fan of divorce either, but c'mon!  Here's another favorite:
You may or may not have proposed to your wife.  Chances are that you don't remember doing so, or of having had any intention to do so.  You may recall that you were mildly surprised to find yourself buying a ring.
My, my, my.   It seems they're on to us ladies.  Our lives of leisure born from saddling our men with all our chores may soon be over.  Good thing we trapped 'em into marriage before they realized what was happening. 

(To be fair to the author, I do find that often groups of women take pleasure in sharing tales of masculine ineptitude.  HOWEVER, we do actually see a lot of really great qualities as well.  Their ineptitude is NOT the only thingt hat brings us pleasure.)


  1. Ok - Josh does the cooking and it absolutely DOES NOT hurt my pride at all.... haha

  2. Uff!! That is terrible!!

  3. This has me rolling!! I always *knew* that men deliberately messed up doing things so that we women wouldn't let them do it again. The truth is revealed!!!! ARGH!

  4. Oh I'm laughing like crazy here - I think I need this book!!!

  5. he also suggested men should poke their babies with pins to make their wives learn!

  6. I am googling the book now - gotta have a copy :)
    I need a good laugh - the last few books I read were way too intense...

  7. Oh my gosh! I am practically rolling on the floor laughing! How funny that he could get away with saying all of that in a book! I love the one, "You can tell her how to vote but now how to wear her hair." In my house that's actually true. Hi-larious! I want that book! Lisa~

  8. My favorite line: "If extreme measures are in order, drop a favorite dish on the floor and break it." I've done that with EVERY girlfriend I've ever had and have yet to be saddled down by a womans innately oppressive tactics! This book is genius!!

  9. Rob,
    I'm glad to hear you haven't yet had to resort to dropping your pipe ashes in the eggs. And you have not yet been mildly surprised to find yourself buying an engagement ring.
    You're doing really well!

  10. My husband was 12 years old when this book was published...sadly, he still retains a tiny bit of this philosophy, which was prevalent when he was being taught how to "be a man." He's still a sweetie, though, and we've been married for 40 years, so we must have done something right! Just ordered the book from Amazon, just gotta have it to display on his desk! LOL


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